It’s the Way You Say It: Why Your Child Isn’t Listening to You

As a family psychologist, I’ve observed countless interactions between parents and their children. A common concern among parents is, “Why isn’t my child listening to me?” The answer often lies not in what is being said, but in how it’s being conveyed. The tone, volume, and even the words chosen can significantly impact whether a child will listen and respond positively. Let’s explore this concept through real-life examples involving Julian, Lucas, Samuel, Stephanie, Zoey, and Alexandra.

The Importance of Tone

Consider the case of Julian, a spirited 8-year-old who often seems to ignore his mother’s requests to clean up his toys. His mother, Stephanie, initially used a sharp, commanding tone, which only led Julian to become defensive and less cooperative. After discussing the importance of tone in communication, Stephanie tried a softer, more inviting tone, expressing understanding of Julian’s desire to keep playing while also explaining the need for tidiness. The change was remarkable. Julian began responding more positively, showing that a respectful, calm tone can open the door to cooperation.

The Power of Volume

Lucas, a 10-year-old, was accustomed to his father, Samuel, raising his voice to get attention. Over time, Lucas started tuning out the louder commands, interpreting them as anger rather than instruction. When Samuel made a conscious effort to lower his volume, speaking in a firm yet gentle manner, Lucas started paying more attention. This shift highlighted how a lower volume can convey authority without intimidation, fostering a more receptive environment for communication.

Choosing Your Words Wisely

Zoey, a 6-year-old, often felt overwhelmed by her parents’ lengthy explanations and directives. Her parents, Alexandra and Julian, learned to use simpler, more direct language that Zoey could easily understand. Instead of saying, “Zoey, I need you to go upstairs, brush your teeth, put on your pajamas, pick out a book, and get into bed,” they started breaking down the instructions into smaller, manageable tasks. This approach helped Zoey feel less overwhelmed and more capable of following through.

The Question of Timing

Finally, timing plays a crucial role in whether a child listens. Samuel noticed that Lucas was more receptive to discussions about his day or any issues at school when they had one-on-one time during their evening walks, rather than right after school when Lucas needed time to unwind. Recognizing and respecting a child’s need for downtime can significantly improve communication.

Conclusion

Effective communication with children involves more than just delivering a message. It requires consideration of tone, volume, word choice, and timing. By observing and adjusting these aspects of communication, parents like Stephanie, Samuel, Alexandra, and Julian have seen remarkable improvements in their interactions with Julian, Lucas, and Zoey. Remember, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it that truly matters.